Not Necessarily Interesting News

Why do companies these days expect you to ‘assess your own performance’? What happened to ‘You did a good job, here’s a raise’? Or ‘you fucked up this year. Don’t do X or Y again or you’re out the door’?

Now it’s a multistep process starting with: “List what you did in the last year” Seriously? You’re my employer.  Shouldn’t you know what it is I do for you? Are you happy with the job I did? Great! Tell me that. Was there something you didn’t like? Tell me that then so I know where I need to focus in the future. I’m a grown adult. I can handle creative criticism.

Next: ‘Give a list of your goals for the next year and how you will go about achieving them.’

Ok, this is easy.

1. Retire wealthy before the age of 40. I gotta get on this one soon as that’s only 7 months away. I plan on doing this by hitting the lottery. I guess it’s time for me to start playing.
2. Attend a party at the Playboy Mansion. This will be possible because the Bunnies will hear about my sexual prowess and invite me. I will then disappoint them when I point out that I’m married.
3. Ride a rocket into orbit. I’ll sneak into the Shuttle’s cargo bay. I haven’t figured out the breathing in space part yet.
4. Eat my weight in marshmallow Peeps. This time without throwing up. Easy to do. Eat peeps and not barf.
5. Drive a supercar on the Nordschleife of the Nürburgring. Fly to Germany, steal a Ford GT, and race.
6. Pilot an A-10. This one might be tough. I really don’t have a plan on this one.

There, that’s my list for FY’11. What? That’s not right? Looks right to me.

Then your manager gets to sit down with you and tell you if you filled out all their forms right, kicking back anything that isn’t ‘right’. If you know what you want on the form why don’t _you_ fill it out?

Having an employee assess their own performance just seems like laziness to me. I got out of management because I didn’t want to deal with all that HR B.S. It’s taking what was traditionally the manager’s job and foisting it onto the employees.

Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. If you don’t like how I do it, fire me. If I don’t like doing it, I’ll quit. It’s that simple.

Yeah, I’ll do it but I really, really despise the whole process. Not enough to quit my job, mind you, but it’s damn close.